The truth about SOB
This is a conversation between Daron and his cock, called Schnibbel (Schnibbel in German means something like “small part”).
Daron and John are invited to a TV studio for an interview. John is late – as usual – and Daron is sitting backdtage, waiting for him and for the interview to start. Suddenly he hears a tiny voice out of his pants.
Schnibbel: Hey, man! Hey! Here!
Daron: (looks around confused) What the fuck...?
Schnibbel: Hey, motherfucker, I’m down here! In your pants!
Daron: What? Hey, wait, is this my fucking dick talking to me?
Schnibbel: Yeah, sure. Dicks can always talk, usually we just don’t show it.
Daron: This is sick! Totally! I should really quit drugs.
Schnibbel: You should get used to it, asshole, I’ve been quiet for much too long. Now things are gonna change. Now I’m giving the orders, do you get me?
Daron: Hahaha, I always knew my fucking cock determines my life, but now you’re going way too far, dude.
Schnibbel: You don’t even know what that is, going too far, man. Listen, first of all I wanna show everyone that I’ve got a voice. When you’re recording your SOB album, I’ll be the singer, not you.
Daron: (breaks down laughing) Hahaha, dude, you are fucking hilarious...
Schnibbel: I’m not joking, asshole.
Daron: You’re seriously thinking that I’ll let you sing? No fucking way!
Schnibbel: Why not? It can’t be worse than your own voice, can it?
Daron: (angry) Oh wait... (unzips his pants, grasps Schnibbel and twists it)... ouch, fuck, that hurts, damnit!
Schnibbel: You can’t hurt me, dumbass, I’m a part of your body, remember?
Daron: Fuck! But I will never let you sing, I’m the lead singer in SOB, I always wanted to be, that’s why I started SOB at all. No more fucking Serj, just me!
Schnibbel: Okay. Then I’ll never grow hard again.
Daron: (desperate) No! You can’t do that!
Schnibbel: I can! And I bet Jessica and all the other chicks will be quite disappointed. At first, they are disappointed and then they’ll laugh at you and call you names.
Daron: You fucking asshole, I’ll kill you!
Schnibbel: Hahaha!
Daron: (sighs) Okay, okay. You’ll be he fucking singer. But you gotta promise that you’ll not let me down when I need you, man.
Schnibbel: Maybe... if...
Daron: If what?
Schnibbel: You gotta tell the whole world that I’m the voice of SOB. Today, right here, on TV.
Daron: (angry) What? No never! Damnit, the whole fucking world will laugh at me!
Schnibbel: In case you haven’t realized, everyone is already making fun of you, so what?!
Daron: I’ll kick your fucking ass!
Schnibbel: I don’t even have an ass, motherfucker! You’re so stupid!
Daron: Come on, dude, don’t do that to me! I can’t go out there and tell it’s my fucking cock singing. I simply can’t!
Schnibbel: Then you’ll never be able to have real sex again in your entire life.
Daron: (sighs) Why me, why? Why does this fucking world hate me?
Schnibbel: You ask me why? Damnit, I’m stuck to your body for your whole life, dumbass, I should be the one who is desperate, huh?
Daron: Shut up...
Schnibbel: It’s up to you...
John walks in.
John: Damnit, Daron, do you have to play with your dick wherever you are?
Daron: Uhm... I didn’t... I was just...
John: I know what you were. Horny, as usual. Now put this away and come on, we’re late already.
The TV guy welcomes John and Daron. They sit down on a couch and the cameras start recording.
TV guy: My guests tonight are Daron Malakian and John Dolmayan, two famous musicians who are known as members of the metal band SOAD. Since SOAD is still on hiatus, we’re not gonna talk about them but about John and Daron’s new band, SOB. But first of all, welcome Daron and John, nice to meet you guys.
John: Hello.
Daron: Hi.
TV guy: So... your new band, this is what everybody wants to hear about. I guess it’s pretty different for you, Daron, since you are the lead singer now, in SOAD you’ve mainly played the guitar...
Daron: I gotta interrupt you right there, man, that’s not true anymore ‘cause we’ve changed our plans a little...
John: (confused) What the fuck?!...
Daron: ... and I’m no longer the lead singer in SOB, i’s my cock from now on (gets up, unzips his pants and takes out Schnibbel) this is Schnibbel, the real voice of SOB.
TV guy:
John: (angry) Oh no, Daron, fuck you, not again!
Just to make it clear: this is NOT meant to offend Daron, it’s just a somehow funny fan fic, if you don’t like it, just forget you’ve read it !!
Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:48 pm
