SOAD on SOADfans

Dont wonder about it, I deleted the old topic coz Kody had closed it for spamming (and he was right) but I want you to be able to read my story still and comment on it so I made a new thread now.. please comment but dont spam (me included) !!



SOAD on SOADfans

Serj, Daron John and Shavo are sitting in Serj’s garden. It’s a hot summer day and they have been hanging out together doing nothing for hours
Shavo: Gosh, I’m bored. Let’s do something.
Daron: Nah, dude, it’s way too hot to do anything.
Shavo: But I’m freaking bored, man.
Serj: You can take my laptop and surf the internet.
Shavo: Hmm… okay… (he goes and gets the laptop from inside) Alright, and what now?
John: You know how to use this thing, don’t you?
Shavo: Sure, man, but I don’t know what to check out now. Any suggestions? Come on, I wanna look at something cool and interesting.
Daron: I know some real good porn sites…
John: Yeah, me too, hehe.
Shavo: You think I’ll watch porn with all of you around?! Pff, you only wanna see me jerking off, you faggots.
Serj: I know a site where you can talk about the effects of global warming, it’s really interesting, you can…
Shavo: (rolls eyes) Yeah, thank you. Any real suggestions?
Silence.
John: Hey, remember this fansite about us, what was it called, soadfans?! Last time we checked it out, it was pretty funny, those guys wrote a lot of funny stuff about us.
Shavo: Funny? Some crazy chicks wanted to kill my girlfriend only because she was on a picture with me, yeah, very funny!
Daron: Come on, let’s surf it. I wanna know what they write about us, hehe.
John: If they write about us anything at all, you know, maybe the hiatus scared all our fans away…
Shavo: Alright… (types the URL) Whoa, they have many topics about us, even about our side projects… those guys still seem to love us!
Serj: Yeah, they are quite busy spreading news about us and stuff. They’ve even got all our solo tourdates. That’s cool.
Daron: What do they write about me? About SOB?
John: I’m a member of SOB as well, remember?
Daron: Yeah.. whatever… come on, Shavo, I wanna read through the SOB threads!
Shavo: (clicks around) Hehehe, seems like they all agree that you look like a bum or the Yeti or Cousin It with that beard.
Daron: What the fuck… pff! Give ’em some time. They just haven’t got used to it yet.
John: Man, I see you almost every day and I’m sure I will never get used to this carpet.
Daron: Shut up! They should talk about my music and not my looks. Those who only care about my hair suck anyway.
John: Agree, but I’m sure they don’t only go for your outer appearance.. it’s just hard to look at you at all with… this in your face.
Daron: Screw you, motherfucker.
Shavo: Hey, now this is interesting – “who has more fans, Serj or Daron?”
Daron: What a question! Me, of course.
Serj: I don’t care. I don’t make music to compete with anyone. Why do people always have to start such fights at all?
Daron: Because it’s fun, man.
John: Uhm… most people voted for Serj, by the way…
Daron: WHAT? This must be wrong!
Shavo: No it’s not. Here, they’ve even got a poll, Serj is the leader, no doubt about that.
Daron: Pfff!
John: Hey, Daron, here is a thread with a poll where you are number one..
Daron: What is it? Best voice? Best guitarist?
John: No… it’s “who has the smallest cock”, muhahahaha!
Daron: You’re kidding me! (stares at the screen) No… you’re not… damnit!
Serj: They’re discussing our dicks?
Shavo: Yeah… and you’re the loser in this poll, Johnny, everyone thinks you’ve got the biggest cock, you or Serj… hey, they are quite realistic, I mean, it’s the truth, isn’t it?!
Daron: What the fuck… damnit, my cock is not small!
John: Uhm…
Shavo: Well…
Serj: (coughs) Yeah…
Daron: What?! (stands up and begins to unbuckle his belt) You wanna compare dicks with me, huh? Huh?
John: (stand up, too) YOU wanna compare dicks with ME? Huh?
Daron: (stares up at John)… Uhm… forget it! (sits down again) Come on, Shavo, what else is up there?
Shavo: Let’s see… side projects section… “is Serj a sell-out”?
Serj: (yawns) I’m not gonna coment on this.
John: Nevermind, man, but maybe you’ve really been doing too many interviews lately…
Serj: Too many? I still feel it’s not enough… I should do more, more interviews, more concerts, more…
Shavo: … and then you’ll die from a heart attack at the age of 45.
Serj: I won’t. I will never die. My body might be destroyed some day but my mind will exist in eternity.
John: What the fuck are you talking about? Man, I really don’t understand where you get all those crazy ideas from. Like this hologram tour or what was it called? Seriously, I thought you had quit drugs.
Serj: Drugs? Why... aw you mean I was high when I had the idea?! Nah, I was not. Well, not really. Just a little. Hehe.
Daron: Which answers the next question they have brough up here “Is Serj still on drugs?”, muhaha. Wonder why they doubted it anyway.
Serj: Well, as long as I do not comsume as much as you do, dear Daron, it’s no problem for anyone.
Daron: Me? Ha – and what about our friend Shavarsh? He smokes like a fucking chimney, man!
Shavo: (rolls eyes) Whatever. Let’s check out something else… hey, I just wonder, why don’t they have a thread “Shavo is the coolest”?
Daron: Because you’re not, Mr. Hip Hop. I guess they probably don’t see you at all because you’re so skinny.
Shavo: Shut up, carpet face! Hey… what’s this… “Topics for females”… aw, right, that’s the thread where a bunch of horny ladies discuss how hot and sexy we are, hehe.
Daron: Come on, let’s send messages to all of them and invite them, hehe, we haven’t had an orgy for months.
John: Are you insane? Open your eyes, most of them are minors, only sixteen or even younger… you’d go straight to jail if you touched one of them.
Daron: Pff… I’m sure I could teach them some things, hehe… but okay, let’s only invite the adults, that should be enough as well.
Shavo: Uhm, Daron.. to be honest, even the biggest Daron whores don’t like your beard… there’s only one or two left who would still do you, the others only want you shaved…
John: Well, Shavo, as far as I read along, I don’t see any Shavo lovers at all, so maybe you should shut up… most of the ladies go for Serj and, hehe, me… high five, Serj!
Serj: Yeah, high five!… although… I’m not so happy about being judged by my looks, I’m so much more than that.
John: (rolls eyes) Man, there are loads of chicks on this site who would fuck you right away – they would even declare you the new Jesus if you wanted them to, can’t you just be happy about that once in your lifetime?!
Serj: (grins) I am, dude, I am… only sometimes it scares me, hehe.
Shavo: Pff, I’m sure I would find as many chicks who would fuck me.
John: Whatever. Go on reading, man.
Shavo: Right… let’s see… ah, here is the creative forum where people post all kinds of pictures and stories they’ve done about us, that’s cool.
Serj: Look at this! Whoa, some of those guys are really skilled at drawing…
John:… or at photo shopping, hehe, look at this! SOAD without their beards, muhahaha, God, we would look so stupid without our facial hair!
Shavo: Although at least one of us should lose some of his facial hair, huh, Daron?!
Daron: ... says the one who has no hair at all except a ten inch goatee.
Shavo: At least I’ve got something that is ten inches long.
Serj: (rolls his eyes) Guys, can’t you just stop quarreling?
Daron: (points at Shavo) He started!
Shavo: Pff. I’m not gonna discuss with you anyway. Let’s check out the written forum, I’m in the mood for poetry... hey, here are some really good poems, our fans seem to be very sensitive and creative.
John: I hope so, man, I mean, they are our fans, you know. They better be creative and sensitive and free-minded.
Daron: Oh yeah, they are very free-minded, hehe.. read this, man, it’s slash... mmh, between you, John, you and Serj...
John: Ugh! I don’t wanna read this!
Daron: But it’s fun, here, it describes how you suck each other off...
John: Shut the fuck up!
Daron: ... oh, and Serj, here, it’s about how you feel with John’s big dick inside your ass, hehe...
Serj: (covers his ears with his hands) I can’t hear you, lalalalala....
John: This is sick, man, how can they write stuff like that about us?
Shavo: They think you’re gay, hehe.
John: That’s your fault, you and your stupid “John is gay” – song.
Daron: Man, I didn’t know there was so much truth in it, hahaha.
Shavo: Daron, now we know what they’re doing when we’re not around.
Daron: Yeah... I hope you never fucked on my bed, man, that’s gross. But you are a sweet couple, Johnny, you and Serj. Come on, won’t you kiss for us?
John: (punches Daron’s shoulder) Shut up, dumbass.
Daron: Ouch. Motherfucker, I didn’t write this, okay?!
Shavo: Hey, here is more of that... read this, man, “Diary of a band whore”, haha, it’s slash again... about you, Serj, you fucking whore, hehe.
Serj: Oh no. Ew.
Shavo: Pffhahaha, and the first guy who is doing you is Daron, hahaha!
Daron: What? Oh no, man!
Shavo: Check this out, you’re peeing on Serj, haha, this really cracks me up.
Serj: He does WHAT?! Oh God, no, please stop it... I’m beginning to feel sick... can we talk about something else? How about this story, “the truth about SOB”?
Daron: Hah! That’s about me! (pushes Shavo aside) Let me read it!
Everyone reads wordlessly.
Daron: What the fuck....
Shavo: Hahaha, this is hilarious! Come on, Daron, show us how your dick can sing!
Serj: Hehe, yeah, I knew it wasn’t you on the SOB tracks, it sounded too good for your voice... you’re lucky that you have such a talented cock, haha.
Daron: What.. what... WHAT? That’s some of the biggest shit I’ve ever read in my entire life! This person seems to be retarded. Come on, let’s check out something else.
Serj: Here’s more from the same person, he or she seems to enjoy writing about you, hehe.
Daron: Nah, I don’t wanna read any more of that shit!
Shavo: But we do, shut up.
Again, everyone reads wordlessly.
John: Hehe, even in that story I’ve got the biggest dick. I like this guy. Or chick. Whatever.
Shavo: I bet it’s a chick. No guy would write anything like that about our dicks.
Daron: Except he was gay. Like John.
John punches him again.
Daron: Ouch!
Serj: Read this, she lets all our dicks talk, haha, mine is called Pogo Stick, hehe, that’s a good one. You were right, guys, this is creative, creative and insane, I like it.
Shavo: And we finally know why Daron has grown this terrible beard, hehe, that’s a good disguise for the playback thing you’ve going on.
Daron: What? Playback? Damnit.. this motherfucker is making fun of my band –
John: Our band.
Daron: Yeah.. whatever... what was I just saying... ah, this shit should be forbidden!
Serj: It’s not worse than slash.
Daron: Yes it is! Everone who reads this crap makes fun of me, just read the comments! “I can’t wait for Schnibbel on Broadway”, damnit, they are laughing about me!
Shavo: That’s something you should be used to, hehe.
John: Yeah, Daron, come on, you’re getting paranoid now. That’s just fun.
Daron: Paranoid? Fun? Are you kidding me? I swear, man, soon there will be people coming up to me and asking me if my cock could sing!
Serj: Well, I remember a song where you used to say in the intro that you could make your cock do tricks... ah, wait, now I get it – you’ve been teaching it to sing all the time, right?!
Daron: Shut up, dumbass, or I’ll kick you! That’s not funny!
Shavo: Come on, man, this is just arts, okay?! There’s nothing you are not allowed to do in arts, that’s what we always say, remember?
Daron: Arts? This is not arts, this is shit! It’s offending, it’s... if I only knew who this motherfucker was, I’d go there and kick his ass!
John: Too bad you don’t know anything except the username, huh?!
Shavo: Bad for him, good for her, I guess, hehe.
Daron: Yeah... ah wait! I know the guy who made this site, Zak, he also does my Dad’s site, you know... I’ll ask him, I’m sure he knows more or can find out anything.
Serj: And then you’re gonna do.. what?!
Daron: (grins a twisted grin) Then I’m gonna visit that motherfucker, hehe.
Shavo: Dude, this is an international site, okay?! She could live, dunno, in China or Africa or whatever.
Daron: I don’t give a fuck, man, I’m gonna travel thw whole world if I have to, and then I’ll find her and kick her fucking ass!!
He jumps up and runs inside the house.
Serj: (sighs) Why does this have to happen every fucking time we check out our fansites?!
Shavo: Uhm... dunno...
John: (shrugs and whistles)