Fuck the Serj - the epitome (or quintessence?) of a fanfic!

It's stupid, full of sex, has no plot at all and everything can happen! This is my part to the world of crazy fanfics! And the whole world has to see it!

Fuck the Serj!
By Bradford Nathan Jesus Pirate Apple Killerguitar

It was a warm day, but clouds hided the sun well and the heat was really annoying to the humid climate. John hated those days and John hated it even more, when those days became a whole week. He looked hopefully at the sky but sighed, as it he discovered the rain wouldn’t come before this evening. But something wasn’t right. He looked down on his body and was sure, something wasn’t right with him. He thought about the last days he spent most with Serj and thought about his behaviour. He heard his parents tell him to stay cool on those days in his mind, but he hadn’t stayed cool the last week. He really tried to look away from any adult body, but he couldn’t. Now it was too late. He sighed even deeper “I have to tell them about it” he thought and looked unsure for his cloth. Maybe it wasn’t that worse, but he was pretty sure it happened. He dressed up and walked out of the room looking for his guys outside.
John found them sitting on a bench at the building smoking and talking.
“… and then we threw him in the basin, that’s all”, Daron finished an anecdote when he joined them. Serj and Shavo laughed lout about it.
“Damn, I wish I was there. Wet Jonathan must be a big fun”, Serj added finally, then he looked up to John. “Hey, the Queen comes out to see the ordinary folks!” He opened up his pack of cigarettes and passed it to John “Good morning John, do you want one?”
“Thank you, but I don’t think I should smoke anymore in my situation…”
He gained laughter from his band mates.
“In your situation…mmh, sounds like you’re pregnant” Shavo started.
John raised his hands “Hey, I have to tell you something important I guess.”
“It won’t get easier, if you don’t start”, Serj advised him. Good old Serj, always there for telling you something wise before he starts talking about teenie-stuff again. John watched him closely; sure Serj would be a great father. The guy should really look for a wife, but maybe he found it already.
“Listen, it’s a bit strange…” John started nervous and looked at the three “I’m a bit different then you are…”
Daron patted him on the back “There, there, we know it already, John.”
John’s eyes became big “You know it already?!”
“Uhm, I guess I don’t know it, I was kidding with your hobbies.” Daron was a bit confused; John seemed to talk about something serious.
“Okay, listen… I’m no human”
Again he just gained laughter from them. Serj shook his head slow “John, what do you want to tell us? We can see you’re human. You look like any of us, okay, maybe you have something more in certain places than some others of us, “ Serj’s eyes moved for a moment to Daron, then he faced John again smiling about his own joke, “But you’re human!”
John shook his head “No I’m not. I must know, okay? I’m no human, my Mum is no human and my father, too…. And I’m pregnant, I guess.”
Three pairs of big eyes –one of it much bigger than the other two- stared at him. After a second the laughter came for the third time. Shavo, who was silent until now, couldn’t hold it and screamed laughing “PREGNANT!!! PREGNANT??? OH WELL, JOHN! Didn’t you… didn’t you listen to what your parents told you?” He whipped the tears of his eyes “That’s the best joke we had this day. It’s better than Daron’s!”
John looked at them with sad eyes. Of course they wouldn’t believe him. Why shouldn’t they? He also believed everyone who came to him “Hey John, did you know, I’m a lost Alien, whose star ship crashed on the earth”. But he wasn’t lying. Serj saw his expression and curiosity grew in his face “John, are you telling the truth?” John nodded silent and stared to the ground. He was near to cry, but he didn't want to cry in front of them, until they believed him. He didn’t want to hear them laugh again. Daron opened his mouth to say something but John didn’t want to know. He turned around and ran back to the hotel crying. Daron closed his mouth again and looked first at Shavo who was still giggling and then to Serj who was looking after John. “Do you think he was serious?” Serj shrugged “I don’t know, maybe it’s a big joke, but if it’s true…”
“But if it’s true he lied to us all the time!” Shavo finished.
“Shavo!” Serj looked at him “if he really told the truth now, than …” Serj stopped and looked at the building. “He…. What the hell is he, if he is no human?”
Daron followed Serj’s look and opened his mouth again “Serj, go and speak with him. You’re the one with the most patience!”
“And the oldest” Shavo added.
“And the wisest!”
Serj sighed and stood up. “I’m not your band-father, okay? But I will go, I’m sure you two would just laugh about him again. Whatever it is, John needs support!” Serj followed John to the hotel.
Daron looked at Shavo with a big smile “Hey, Shavly!”
Shavo looked down to him, eyebrows raised “Shavly?”
“Do you want to see Jonathan wet?”
“I thought it was yesterday…”
“Yes, but Munky told me, they won’t leave before evening, so we have still plenty of time to throw him in the basin again!”
Shavo laughed and followed Daron to the residence of KoRn.


Serj knocked on the door of John’s room, but got no reply. He sighed and knocked again “John, open the door, please! I want to talk to you, not to laugh about you.”
He heard a silent sound from the inside and the door opened. Serj entered and sat on the bed. John sat next to him, his face was covered with tears and his eyes were swollen.
“There, there, John.”
John leaned on Serj’s shoulder “You won’t believe me, will you?”
“I do believe you already” Serj waited for John to jump up and scream “surprise! I was kidding!” but John did nothing like that. He just sobbed against Serj’s shoulder.
“You… you said the truth?”
John looked at him “I thought you believed me!”
“Well, I thought, if I say I believe you, you would tell me either you were kidding or I would see, that you really told the truth.”
John looked at him puzzled, hen he leaned again on Serj’s shoulder. “Do you know what I guess?”
“No, what is it?”
“I guess you’re the father, Serj”
Serj’s looked down to him “Would you please explain the whole story to me? I mean, you’re a man, you can’t be pregnant and all this things…”
“It’s easy, you know? My family are aliens from another planet. Don’t ask me where, I can’t find it myself, because my nation uses another system to find coordinates in the space. Whatever, they were on a journey to some of our relatives on another planet and missed the planet. Do you know these holes in the space which bring you to other places in a few seconds?”
Serj nodded, although he had no idea what was John talking about. The story sounded to him if John had just watched too much Star Trek. But it looked like he was really telling the truth.
“See, they flew in such a thing and landed in this sun-system. They found out, that the only planet with life on is the earth and tried to land here. Mmh, I guess they took the worst place for it, they landed in Armenia…”
Serj smiled. From lost aliens to lost Armenians. He wasn’t sure, but Armenia was probably the worst place to fall on in the 20th century next to China or Russia.
“My parents watched the humans there and learned the language and the behaviour. And of course they looked like humans. It was really hard for them, but they made it, didn’t they?”
“John, how do your family look normally?”
John looked at him “you don’t really want to see, do you?”
Serj shook his head “I want to see, show me. I’m sure you can change your look.”
“Yeah, I can do, but it takes me a moment to get my human body back.”
“How did you change to humans?”
“We’re like chameleons!”
“So, show me your normal look, alien chameleon!”
John stood up and took off his cloth. Serj watched his body. The evening before John looked incredible hot for him, now he was again the normal John. Why was he so interested in John the last week? Was it because he was an alien?
John sat back on the bed and closed his eyes, a few moments nothing happened, but then he changed. His skin became white, white like chalk or bones, his hair became thicker and got a light blue color, his cock –yes, Serj still was staring on John’s penis- became smaller and thicker and John became smaller at all. After he opened his eyes Serj could see John’s black eyes.
“This is how I normally look like!”
“Wow, you look strange!” Serj stretched out a hand and discovered that John’s skin was warmer then before. “I want to get fucked from him, NOW” Serj thought, then he asked himself why he always thought about Sex the last days. “John, tell me how you got pregnant. Even as an alien you look male to me”
“I’m not male, I’m not female; all of us can get pregnant, we’re like snails.”
“Ah. And you really think I’m the father of it? It’s really interesting, that your kind is able to make children with my kind.”
“Yeah, it is. I’m pretty sure that I’m pregnant, okay? I feel it!”
“Maybe you should wait until we can see something.”
“Okay, if you like it that way. I really hope you’re the father, you would be a great father!”
“John! You don’t want to birth the… HEY? What do you mean by ‘you HOPE that I’m the father’?”
“Uhm, you know… you’re not the only one in question.”
“John, could it be that you had your fertile days last weeks?” Serj leaned towards John, smiling. John nodded slowly. “With how many people did you have sex?” John started counting on his fingers; Serj saw that he reopened his fist several times.
“I’m not sure, Serj. There were too many.”
Serj started to laugh. “John, why should I be the father then?”
“Because I want you to be the father of it! And, we had the most times sex!”
“That means nothing!” Serj stood up and walked to the window “What about the others?”
“Who are you talking about? The other people I had sex with?”
“No, I mean Daron and Shavo. Did you guys fuck?”
“Uhm, yes, I was a bit horny.”
“A bit! John, that’s hilarious, why did you never told us in 15 years that you’re alien?”
“Because I was able to hide it well. Okay? I was just unlucky the last week. Normally I count out when it is and invite my girlfriend.”
“John?”
“What?”
“You look pretty hot as an alien…”
“What do you mean?”
Serj turned around and faced John again. “I don’t want to talk about alien children and crashed star ships anymore. I want to fuck you!”
“What? Serj, I’m not in the mood for it.”
“Ah, I show you the opposite!”
Serj sat behind John and started scrubbing his back. John sighed “Serj, you’re mean!”
“I know, my dear, I know”
Half an hour later the faint squeaks of the bedstead drifted out of John’s room.


Shavo and Daron were sitting on the bench in front of the hotel they sat on this morning. Daron was very quiet the last hours and Shavo was afraid his friend got any disease. But Daron wasn’t ill. Daron thought about some things in his mind. He asked himself, why he never saw that John was no human. He shook his head and stared up to the window of John’s room.
“Hey, everything all right?” Shavo asked him while watching also up there.
“Yes, I just was… I thought about something.”
“I guess Serj is still in there.”
“How can you be sure?”
“I would say this is Serj’s hair”
“Holy shit, is he naked?”
“Oh, yes, he is. What are they doing up there?”
“I… John!”
Daron jumped up and ran into the house. Shavo looked at him surprised. It seemed like John had a lot of sex partners these days, but also Serj and Daron. Shavo shrugged, he didn’t care of it, he never wanted a relationship with John, but the sex was great. He went into the building looking out for the bar as a thought popped up in his head. “What if the child is yours, Shavo?” Shavo stopped and stared a moment at the wall and laughed. “Silly me” he thought “John isn’t even pregnant!” At least Shavo hoped so. But he just entered the bar and prepared for a long night there.
At the same time Daron hammered against John’s door. “John you creepy bastard, open up the door!”
“Wah, wait a moment!”
Inside John and Serj jumped into their clothes. John moved to the door to open it, but Serj hold him back “You’re still white, my dear” and opened the door instead.
“Hey Daron! Why are you screaming so loud?”
“What did you to my John? What did you do with him?”
“Nothing. We just were talking. John was really upset because we laughed about him and so I came in to cheer him up. Do you have a problem with that?”
“You!” Daron pushed Serj inside and closed the door behind him. “You fucked MY John!”
“Your John?” Serj laughed “John belongs to none of us. He has a girlfriend!”
“But he told me, I’m the only one for him!”
“And he told me the same. Didn’t you realize that he was quite different the last week?”
“Maybe a bit different.”
While Serj calmed down Daron, John was sitting on the bed and thinking about the last week.
“See what I mean? John told us, that he is probably pregnant. He was in uh… in a uh…” Serj paused and stared at the ceiling “Oh shit, he was horny! I guess he would’ve told us everything to get us in his bed”
Daron stared at Serj and his eyes became sad “Does this mean that John becomes the old John again now?”
“Sure, but maybe he’ll be still different because he’s pregnant!”
John stood up and joined the two at the door.
“Oh my god!” Daron screamed “What is THIS?”
John rolled his eyes then put an arm around Daron’s shoulders “This is John. John is your pregnant alien friend. This is also your drummer!”
“You told the truth? That’s… amazing?”
“Yes, it is”
Daron looked away “John?”
“What’s up?”
“Did you know that you look extremely hot as an alien?”
“You won’t believe it, but Serj told me the same a while ago”
“Five orgasms ago” Serj coughed smiling. John seemed to have something that made humans like him. But before he would end up with John AND Daron in the bed, he wanted to stop it. So he patted both on the shoulders “Hey guys, maybe John should become human again and we all go to find Shavo and cool down.”
“But he looks so pretty now!”
“Daron, follow me.” Serj grabbed Daron and rushed through the door “We’re downstairs, John!”
John went back to his bed. He landed on it with a deep sigh. Every time he ran around in his alien skin, all humans – no matter of which sex- fell in love with him. Sure he had a special smell that made humans crazy. He was the valerian of mankind! He should try to make money with that fact. John smiled about it and concentrated to get back to his human look.

So THAT'S why John never smiles!

I still only have to say one thing to sex between SOAD members... eeew... *throws up again*

But apart from that, the story is fun