Anecdotes

-tuk tuk.
-kto tam?
-smert.
-nu i chto?
-nu i vsio.

english lesson in Russia. teacher asks kids:

T - Peter, do you speak english?
P - Chivo, chivo?!
T - Sit dow, 2!
T - Anna, do you speak English?
A - Chico, chivo?!
T - sit down, 2!
T - Edgar, do you speak english?
E - Yes, I do!
T - Chivo, chivo?!

Chivo? I don't understand this.....

i think that could be as anecdote too..

Lol, where is it from?

Oh, I just passed a cinema or theatre (not sure) and it had a sign "No guns". Who takes a gun into a store/theatre? I mean, if he don't wanna rob it.

no one. it is meant to robbers guess.

o.O Robbers wouldn't obey it.

So there must be people who take a gun into cinema. Fortunatly it's forbidden, so I don't have to be afraid

well, there are a lot of people who carries gun officially. you are in America dude. and its same as its forbidden to come in shop with ice cream.

Oh yes, you"re right. People here wear a gun more often than they buy ice cream.

But it's hilarious anyway

yeah, it is. i understand you.

Oh, also hilarious is, that you"re not allowed to honk here. "Don't honk $350 penalty". Well, the first time I saw this sign three cabs rushed over the street honking as if they would get money for it.

yeah, idiots... taxi drivers are strangest people i have ever met on roads.

than all Americans are Taxi drivers. I saw no difference in their way of driving a car.

pff... dude, you should leave that poor country and come here. guess you wouldnt get away from here alive.

This one is great!
Read until the last drop...

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "happy birthday!", and possibly have a present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "happy birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids will remember. My kids came into breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "good
morning, boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said, "you know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me."

I said, "thanks Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all
day. Let's go!" we went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.

We dined instead at a little place with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "you know, it's such
a beautiful day... We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"

She said, "let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment Jane turned to me and said,
"boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by my wife, kids, and friends and co-workers, all singing "happy birthday".

And I just sat there..

On the couch...

Naked

Q: in what is difference between man and woman?
A: in love

Q: with what are loving women?
A: with love-tryangles

Сидят два студента в общаге. Едят. Заходит третий и присоединяется к трапезе. Едят дальше. Тот, который третий, думает: "Надо бы разговор завязать, а то скучно!" и говорит: "Что-то мне в последнее время наш декан не нравится..."; на что ему и отвечают: "Не нравится, не ешь!"...



sorry ....couldn't translate it:(

died Quake lover and went to hell. after one day devil without tail, wounded, with broken horns comes to god:
-hey, what a human you sent to us?
-and what?
-and what?! he shoted all devils, made mess everywhere, and now running in all hell and shouts "where's the exit to the next level?"!


Peter comes to mom and cries:
-mommy, children say that my mouth is very big!
-don't pay attention son, take showel and go to eat.

exam in school, teacher gets bored and to make himself laugh he decides to make joke on student, so he asks:

T: how many lamps are in this class? if you will say right, i will give you 10.
S: counts carefully - 10!
T: no, 11 - and puts out of his pocked another lamp

after week same student has exam, teacher again asks same question and promisses to give him 10

T: so how many lamps are in this class?
S: 11!
T: no! 10, i didnt take mine today!
S: but i did - and gets out of pocket his lamp

1] man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."





2]Two friends:
- I heard that you have made a band.
- Yes, it's a quartet.
- How many of you are there?
- There are three.
- Three?
- Me and my brother.
- You have a brother?
- No, why do you ask?

its same as with my mother and sister. always when my sister is somwhere really late and no one knows where she is, mother is really worried. at first she calls all police stations, then hospitals and then morgs. when she doesnt know where to call more, she calls to sister and asks where she is. isnt it funny?
or when my sister comes with her friend home completely drunk, both. mother always asks "where have you been?!" sister cant talk, she is drunk. then her friend, who is also same drunk says "she was with me! we were doing homeworks!" and why mother believs? because "oh yes... to this girl i believe, she is good girl." mothers never trust and believes to their kids. always believs to teachers, other people, other mothers and friends.

ah, nice anecdote:

very crazy and worried parents comes to daughter and says:
- ah you little bitch! we overcalled all bars, visited all discos when were searchin you! but you are sitting here and playing in sandbox?!

hihihi

the same with my mom......some days ago I've asked her to let me go to Rock party with my friends.....she didn't let me.....
I've asked her ...why?
she said because she don't know all people that'll be there.......
I'll never know how it'll be possible to know all people that gona be there......
(even I don't know all them)..............still thinking.....???

isnt it funny when you climb some big mountain like Everest and shout "fuck you!" and as answer from echo you get "fuck you" back. so then you shout "fuck you!" again and as answer get "fuck you" again. it is funny... but funnier is when you slide a bit and are near to fall, then you shout "help me!" but in echo hear same "fuck you" irony...

.........hum.......maybe its funny....but after you'll fall it won't be funny.........

its funnier when you're climbing mountain...........so bravely...........and then you're looking down ........and........when its time to go down...........you're crying......because its too high.....

+20C greeks put on jumpers ( if can find)
+15C havayans turn on heating
+10C americans are shaking from cold, russians seed cucumbers
+5C italian cars stop working. norvegians are going to swim. russians are driving cars with opened windows
0C in America freezes water.
-5C french cars stop working.
-10C you are planning long vocation in Australia.
-15C cat says that he will sleep in your bed. norvegians put on jumpers.
-17C in New York house holders turn on heating. russians last time in year goes on picknick.
-20C american cars stop working. people in Alaska puts of t-shirts.
-25C german cars stop working. havayans start to die
-30C politics start to talk about homeless people. cat says that he will sleep in your pajama.
-35C you are planning two weaks vocation in hot bath. swedish cars stop working
-40C in Europe stops all transport. russians are eating ice-creams on streets
-42C politics start to really do something for homeless people. in Alaska people close wondows
-50C polar bears start to leave to south
-70C hell freezes. russians put on hats
-75C finland special organisation evacuates santa claus from Lapland
-114C spirt freezes. russians have bad mood
-273C absolute 0 all atoms stops. 90% of people are dead. russian football national team becomes world champions.

isnt it sexy statistic?