“I think something went terribly wrong”, Serj said, stroking his beard slowly. “But now for the last time: you are sure that you’re not Daron? Promise?”
“I promise”, I replied and lifted two fingers of my right hand. “If this is a lie, I’ll drop dead right now and rest in hell till the end of time.”
Serj seemed to wait for me to drop dead. I did not. I just kept standing right in front of him.
“Do you have any idea how this could happen?”, he asked.
“No, not at all. I don’t know – I just went to bed yesterday and when I woke up, I was ... you know. Maybe you should tell me something about the party you guys had?!”
Serj sighed. “Uh, I don’t know... I can’t remember everything, as I said, it was a rough night. I remember that you were – I mean, Daron was pretty high so I decided to take you – him to my place. He shouldn’t be left alone when he’s like that. So I took him here and he fell asleep immidiately. So did I. That’s all.”
I had actually hoped for any explanation and was a little disappointed about getting nothing at all.
“Something went wrong”, Serj repeated and suddenly started laughing. “So you’re a woman, right?! Hahaha – I’m sorry, it’s just, I simply don’t get this whole thing. I mean, you look like Daron, you sound like him, you even smell like him – which is not a good thing, by the way – and then again, you really seem to be somebody else. That’s weird, hell, that’s fucking weird! Oh, by the way, I’m Serj.”
“I know”, I smiled and shook his hand. “Whoa, I’m so glad you believe me! I just thought I was going crazy – to be honest, I’m not quite sure about that point right now ...”
“Well, if you are crazy, I gotta be as well”, Serj said, “and although this is a really strange situation, I don’t think that one of us is suffering from mental disorder.”
He sat down again, stroking his beard and looking at me as if he expected me to laugh and say that everything had just been a joke. “Weird”, he said over and over again, “totally weird!”
“Yeah”, I agreed, “I mean, just look at me! Can you imagine how it feels to be inside the wrong body? I have, like, changed my sex over night. That’s the craziest thing that ever happened to me!”
“I definitely can’t imagine how it feels”, Serj replied, “but it’s bad luck you got into Daron’s filthy carcass anyway.”
We both started laughing.
“Damn, I whish I knew why it chose Daron”, I said afterwards. “There are so many people in the world. And I became him.”
Serj nodded. “That makes me wonder what happened to the real Daron. I mean, did he just, like, disappear? Or did the two of you change bodies? Or what?”
That was something that had not come into my mind before but when I started thinking about it now, it kinda made sense. The real Daron had to be somewhere and to me, there was only one place where this could be.
“Could I use your phone?”, I asked.
“Sure.”
“Even if I have to call Germany?”
“As I said, sure.”
“And ... where’s your phone?”
Serj led me into his office, and when I started dialing my own number, he wanted to leave the room but I asked him to stay. It took about forever until someone answered the phone.
“Uhm... hello?”
Oh my God, it was my own voice!!
“Yeah ... erm ... Daron? Is that you?”
Silence. Probably Daron was as confused as I was to hear his own voice talking to him. Or maybe he had just passed out.
“Daron? Are you still there? Hell, talk to me!”
“Holy shit”, my voice suddenly started, “yeah, yeah, it’s me ... I didn’t expect you to call, I wasn’t sure whether I should answer the phone at all ... I just thought I was, like, going fucking mad, I mean, I woke up and went, hey, where the fuck is my cock gone, and then I looked into the mirror and ... hell, what the fuck is going on? Where am I? Who am I?”
I tried to explain it to him as far as Serj and I had figured the whole thing out – it felt totally out of place to talk to my own voice that always just said “fuck” to everything I explained – and when I had finished, Daron asked: “Are you motherfuckers trying to play tricks on me?”
“Hell, no! How could we? Believe me, if I knew how to change bodies with others, I’d definitely not choose yours.”
“Do you mean to insult me or what?”
“No ... listen, I’m just as confused as you are, I don’t know why this happened and I’m just... I don’t know ...”
“Nevermind”, my voice said quietly. “So what are we gonna do now?”
I faced Serj looking for help but he only shrug his shoulders and smoked silently.
“Erm, wait ... we just gotta see how we can, like, change back or something. Dunno how, but we gotta try it.”
Daron giggled. “Oh, really? Don’t you like my body? Let me tell you, I know there are tons of people out there who would pay just to be me for one day. And by the way, I like your body. You got nice boobs. They feel good.”
“I want my body back”, I said aloud, “no matter what, d’you get me? So I suggest you get your ass – I mean, my ass over here and we’ll see what we can do about it. There must be a way to, like, rewind this mess.”
“Okay, okay ... where am I, in Germany? Man, so far away ... I need to get a plane or something, or do you want me to swim?”
I told Serj and he switched on his computer to look for a flight.
“You’re with Serj?”, Daron asked me. Or was it me asking Daron?
“Yeah.”
“Okay, just listen: don’t eat any of his food, I’m gettin sick when I take in all that vegetarian shit. And don’t let him get behind you ... me ... he always wants to fuck me in the ass but I won’t let him.”
My voice broke down laughing. How can he laugh, I thought, this situation is not funny at all, and his jokes were not either.
“I just booked a flight for him... her ... whatever”, Serj said next to me.“He can get the ticket right at the airport, it’s already paid. He’ll arrive in LA, wait, tomorrow around noon.”
“Tomorrow?!”, I repeated. “Oh no, does that mean I gotta stay inside him all day?”
On the phone I heard Daron laugh. “Come on, don’t be pissed off. You should be lucky, I mean, you are me, what else can I say?! Why don’t you just go out and have some fun? I allow you to drink, smoke, fuck some sexy chicks, whatever. But don’t let any guy touch my body, d’you get me?”
“Don’t worry about that”, I replied, “I just wish to be myself again as soon as possible. So you’re getting here tomorrow? I mean, you’re really getting here? Promise you’ll come.”
Daron sighed dramatically. “Yeah, I promise.”
“Allright ... until then, you won’t go out, you won’t talk to anyone, d’you understand me? Just stay inside and ... whatever. And don’t you dare to poison my body with any kind of drugs, I swear I’ll kick your ass if I find out about it.”
“Oh come on, I’m so kind to you, so why don’t you just allow me to have a little fun?”
“You can have fun when you are yourself again.”
“We’ll see”, Daron laughed and hung up.
“I hope he’ll stick to your rules”, Serj said smiling.
“Me too. But I’m even more afraid he won’t come here at all. What if he just enjoys being a woman?”
“He will come, believe me. He’s much too vain to give up his body. I dunno why but he’s really proud of it.”
“I hope you’re right”, I replied, feeling a little better with every word he said. As if he was able to read my mind, Serj gave me a broad smile.
“Sure I am. It’ll all be allright. You can stay at my place until Daron arrives. It wouldn’t be a good idea for you to be alone today, agree?”
I nodded. “Thank you so much. I sure don’t wanna be alone. There’s nothing I wanna do at all but sit here and wait until tomorrow.”
“I hate to say it”, Serj smiled, “but I’m afraid you’ll have to leave the house, if you like it or not. We’re having an interview today, you know ...”
“Who – we?”, I asked and was afraid of the answer.
“Well, me, John, Shavo and Daron – and for today, that’s you, I assume.”
I shook my head so hard that I started feeling dizzy. “Oh no, I can’t do that! Please, don’t do that to me! I’ll definitely die if you take me out there. I just can’t ...”
“You’ll have to”, Serj interrupted kindly, “you know, they really insist on all of us showing up. They’d rather cancel the whole appointment than do without you or any of us.”
“So why don’t we just cancel it? Please?!”
“It’s very important to us”, he said quietly and gave me an intense look which I could hardly stand. “Would you please do me the favour and join us? Just for me?”
How could I say no!!
“But I’m not Daron”, I repeated full of doubt. “I don’t know how to talk or act like him … they will find out that there’s something wrong.”
Serj laughed and shook his head. “Have you ever read or heard any of our interviews?”
“Yeah …”
“So you’ll know that no one gives a fuck on what you say or do. You’re Daron – I know you’re not, but to them you are – and you can say whatever comes to your mind. It would also be okay if you just didn’t say nothing at all, nobody will guess there’s anything wrong. They’ll just think you’re having an bad day. Or a normal day. Or whatever.”
Although I was still not really comfortable with this, I agreed. Hell, it was Serj asking me to do it!
“Great”, he said thankfully and gave me a broad smile. “Don’t worry, we’re gonna make it. We’re with you, okay?!”
“Okay”, I answered, not telling him that this didn’t help me at all. “So what are we gonna do now?”
“Well, I suggest you go upstairs and take a shower first – don’t get me wrong but, you know, Daron’s transpirations are kinda life threatening …and I’ll go and call John and Shavo. I think it’s better if I prepare them a little before we meet. Agree?”
“Agree”, I said and turned to walk upstairs.
I locked the bathroom door behind me and avoided to look into the mirror when I got undresses and entered the shower. The warm water felt good on my (Daron’s) skin although it was the weirdest thing ever to wash a body which seemed to be mine but was not. Of course I had touched male chests before but that had been something completely different. I know many of you people reading this will think “so why don’t you just touch his cock, that’s the first thing I would do?!” but I simply couldn’t. It was enough to know that I’d have to touch it every time I had to piss which I had loved to avoid anyway. When I had finished taking the shower I found myself standing in front of the mirror again, a towel around my (his) hips, looking at Daron’s wet hair and face. “You asshole”, I said to him and started laughing. Such words seemed to be so familiar from his mouth which actually was mine at the moment. “You can kiss my ass, you motherfucker.” Then I started pulling faces and laughed even more. I had always thought that Daron had a funny face but now that I could make it look the way I wanted, I almost died. I was still laughing my ass off when I went downstairs again and met Serj.
“What’s so funny`”, he asked.
“Uhm, me. No, I mean, him. Well, I guess it’s everything.”
Before he could give me an answer, the doorbell rang. It was John and Shavo.
“I know we wanted to meet at the studios”, Shavo said when they walked in, “but we really had to come over and see for ourselves.”
They stared at me curiously. I felt totally out of place. This is how the animals in zoos must feel like.
“Is it true?”, John asked me. “You are not Daron? I can’t believe it – you look so much like him …”
“It’s his body”, Serj explained, “but not his mind or soul or whatever.”
Shavo broke down laughing. “Hahaha, I didn’t even know Daron had a fucking soul or mind or whatever.”
“You know”, John said to me, “when Serj called, I thought the two of you were trying to fool me. It would not have been not the first time you – they – made up freaking jokes.”
“I thought Serj had finally lost his mind”, Shavo added.
John nodded. “Well, that was the next thing that came into my mind when realizing that it was not a fucking joke.”
“I’m still thinking I’ve lost my mind”, I replied quietly.
John and Shavo looked at each other. “Whoa, it’s even his voice!”
“That’s what I told you”, Serj said in a calm voice. “If you don’t know it’s actually not him, you can’t tell, huh?”
Shavo came really close to me (it probably looked as if he was smelling at my/Daron’s hair) and stared into my eyes. For some reason he really made me nervous.
”All I see is Daron”, he said.
I shrug my shoulders.
“So you’re a woman, right?”
“Uhm, yeah.”
“And Daron, like, got into your body? So he’s a woman right now?”
“Uhm, yeah.”
Shavo broke down laughing. “Hahaha, this is killing me! Finally Daron became a woman. I always knew that it would happen some day. I’m sure he likes it, doesn’t he?!”
“Poor you”, John said, “Daron is the last person on earth I would give my body to.”
“Well, I didn’t choose it”, I replied.
“Serj said you’re gonna do the interview with us today?”, Shavo wanted to know when he had finished laughing.
“I’m afraid so … by the way, what kind of an interview is it? For a magazine or radio station?”
“It’s even worse”, Serj answered, “you know, it’s on TV …”
“What?”
I couldn’t believe that he had not told me anything about that before. He gave me one of his broad smiles and shrug his shoulders. He seemed to feel pretty confident about the whole thing.
“I´m sorry bout that. But it doesn’t matter anyway. We’re gonna get this done, or what do you guys think?”
“Sure”, Shavo and John answered immidiately. “This is gonna be fun. It’s time to mess up one of those fucking interviews anyway.”
Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:19 pm