Serj took me over to Daron’s house where I got dressed to make me look like the real Daron, and afterwards, we drove to the studios and met John and Shavo again. I was so excited that I was shaking all over and didn’t dare to open my mouth because I was afraid to throw up. Serj told me to put on the sun glasses I had brought and just to follow them. We walked through several rooms and hallways and everyone who saw us said something like “hey, it’s SOAD, hi guys” which made me smile everytime. When we finally reached room number 305, my legs started trembling and I was afraid to stumble. The TV guy (I can’t remember his name at all, it was like Jim or Tim or something) was very kind and we all shook hands with him before we could finally sit down. The cameras around made me nervous so I placed myself between Serj and Shavo and tried to hide a little (which worked out quite well, good for me that Daron is so small).
They started talking about this and that and I was so ecxited that I didn’t even listen. I just hoped everything would be over soon although the other guys seemed to be very relaxed and started making jokes and fooling around. I didn’t say anything at all. Until Serj suddenly pushed me slightly. I gazed at him in the most irritated way and found eight eyes staring at me. Someone must have talked to me, probably called me Daron and I didn’t react.
“What?”
“Well”, the TV guy smiled, “I just asked you, Daron, what’s your opinion about your new album? Do you like it? Do you think it’s very different from the ones you’ve done before or is it quite similar? Just tell me how it feels to you.”
Great. I had no idea about nothing.
“I’m not gonna talk about it”, I answered. “It’s not about my opinion, it’s about yours. So go and buy it.”
“You know, it’s not out yet”, Serj reminded me quietly.
“Oh. When will it be out?”
“Next month.”
“So go and buy it next month.”
Now the TV guy was almost as irritated as myself.
“Well, okay, but... just tell me... on this album, do you play a different guitar? I heard you changed it several times during the recordings.”
“I can’t play the guitar”, I replied which was the truth. “It’s all Serj who plays the guitar stuff. It has always been him. I’m just here because I’m pretty, you know.”
“Okay... and... do you sing as much as on your last record?”
“I can’t sing either”, I said. That was the truth as well. “It’s Shavo who does the singing besides Serj. As I said, I’m only here because of my looks.”
Everyone laughed.
“Don’t talk to him anyway”, John told the TV guy and pointed at me. “He’s got his period. At this time of the month, he sucks even more than he usually does.”
The TV guy seemed to be happy about the new topic and immidiately made up a question about it.
“Do you guys think you have a femals part inside you? You know, like in those theories where they say, human beings consist of both male and female parts?”
Everyone giggled.
“Well, I’m the wrong person to ask”, I started, “you know, as a woman of course I do have female parts and ...”
Serj pushed me again. At the same time I realized what I had just said. Oh no! Why couldn’t I just shut up?
Tim/Jim gazed at me like I was insane (maybe I was).
“Did you just say you are a woman?”
“Erm, yeah ... I mean, no ... I just ... sometimes I feel like a woman.”
“In what way?”
“Uuh ... erm ... in every way?!”
“Sorry, Daron, I just don’t get that.”
”Why do you talk to a drug head like him? You can’t expect any reasonable answer to come out at all, can you?”, Serj tried to help me out. “But back to topic, if you ask me, I like all female parts
“Me too”, Shavo agreed. “But not inside me. I prefer them on top of me.”
I felt this was a statement Daron would have laughed about and so did I. Of course I didn’t make the same insane laughter that he usually does but it sounded strange enough in my ears. Tim/Jim seemed to forget about my strange statement and smiled.
“Okay ... did you guys know that there is a parental campaign going on against your drug attitude?”, he wanted to know and always directly looked at me (wonder why).
I shrug my shoulders. I didn’t know anything.
“Well, there are several people – most on them parents of teenagers – who think you have a bad influence on their kids and encourage them to do drugs and start a bad lifestyle. What’s your opinion about that?”
“Bad lifestyle”, Shavo laughed, “hahaha.”
“My opinion is you should all fuck off and suck my dick”, I said and showed my big finger to the camera. That’s not what I would usually have done but I tried to play my role as good as I could. And after all, I was not the one who might get in trouble for such statements afterwards.
“I mean, just look at us”, Serj smiled and pointed at each of us. “How could we be bad influence to anyone? We’re innocence itself. Check out those faces. There is no evil to see, not at all.”
Shavo, John and I tried to look as innocent as we could. It worked out pretty well for them but although I coudn’t see my/Daron’s face, I was sure it was not as convincing as the others.
“Sorry guys, I can’t really believe you”, the TV guy smiled, “but okay. Let’s talk about something else. Since the new year has just begun, do you have any plans for 2008? Anything special you wanna start or maybe give up?”
Silence.
“I wanna have more sex this year”, Shavo started. “And I’m talking about sex with a woman, you know, not with my hand.”
“But your hands are so pretty”, John smiled.
“You think so?”
“Yeah. I wish I had sex with your hands.”
“Why does every discussion we start end up with talking about sex? Sex or drugs or ... sex or drugs?”, Serj asked, shaking his head. He did not seem to expect any answer and he didn’t get one anyway.
“Allright”, the TV guy said and I was glad to see him take a look at his watch, “we’re running out of time so let me just ask one last question. What are you guys gonna do tonight? Any special plans? Going to a party or something?”
“No, actually we’re just gonna go home”, Serj replied.
“Yeah.” Shavo put his arm around my shoulder. “We’ll go home and make love to sweet Daron. You know, that goes along with my plans for this year and with his female parts which really need to be explored.”
“Oh yes, please”, I answered and blushed. Damn, did I just say that aloud?
Tim/Jim looked kinda confused as if he was not sure whether this had been a joke or not. Obviously he came to the conclusion that it had been one and laughed.
“You guys really have a special sense of humour”, he grinned.
“Definitely”, we all agreed.
“Okay, guys, thanks for being here and please leave s short message to your fans. You know there are so many kids out there who love you more than their parents, eh? Is there anything you’d like to tell them?”
I couldn’t help it and again showed my big finger to the camera. “Don’t listen to out music, motherfuckers”, I added, “because we suck and so do you.”
“Especially you are the one who sucks”, John laughed.
The TV guy nodded and I noticed that the camera was finally off. And that was the end.
When we left the studio and got back to the car, Serj gave me a brief hug.
“Good job”, he smiled. “It wasn’t all bad, was it?”
“I don’t know... I’m just glad we didn’t have to perform ...”
“Yeah, we would have been totally fucked”, Shavo laughed. “But Serj is right, you did a damn good job. There was a point where I was not sure if you were Daron or not. All that Daron shit came out of your mouth. You must be quite a good actor. I mean, actress. But hey, guys, what do you say, let’s keep her instead of the real Daron, huh? She’ not so fucking complicated.”
“At least she kept his ugly ass in his pants”, John added, “and to me, that’s the best part of it all.”
We got into the car and that as it started moving, we talked about this and that until Shavo suddenly said: “I ran out of weed.” which didn’t fit in the conversation at all.
“I never run out of weed”, Serj smiled broadly, “just come over to my place and we’ll share.”
“Yeah, let’s all go to Serj’s house and hang out.”
I agreed. There was nowhere else for me to go anyway.
“How about you, John?”
“Nah, I’ll go home”, John answered. “You guys really piss me off when you’re high, and you fucking know that.”
So it was just Shavo, Serj and me getting back to Serj’s house. We had only arrived a couple of minutes ago and just sat down on the huge sofa in the living room when Serj opened the cupboard and took out a bong. He prepared it (which looked very professional to me, so probably he did that pretty often) and sat down next to me. He smoked first and then handed the bong to me.
“I don’t know ...”, I started but Shavo shook his head.
“Shut up. You’re with us now, you gotta take some as well. That’s something like a tradition, hear what I’m saying?”
I didn’t dare to talk back and smoked. It had been a couple of years ago when I had smoked weed for the last time but strangely it felt quite familiar.
“I almost forgot what it feels like”, I murmured.
“But you like it, huh?”, Serj grinned. “I knew you would. You know, we smoke this stuff all the fucking time and we’re very happy with it. See?”
He smiled so broadly that I could just agree. We smoked one after the other. Although I was sure that Daron’s body was quite used to it, I kinda felt the weed in every cell, and when Serj also handed us a couple of beers, I soon was pretty high. My (Daron’s) head got so fucking heavy that I could hardly keep it up. Serj started talking to me. He sounded like he was miles away.
“You know, this whole thing is just so fucking weird that there has to be a deeper meaning behind it. Did you think about that? I mean, there has to be a reason why you became Daron and not... whoever... there are so many people on this planet and it, you know, chose him, so there has to be a meaning, eh? Do you have a crush on him?”
“No!”
“Are you sure? That would explain a lot. You can admit it, I won’t laugh.”
“I don’t have a crush or anything on him”, I replied. “That can’t be the reason. If it was, I had probably become – someone else.”
“But you knew who I am right from the beginning. That means, you know us?!”
“Well, I’d also know The Cure if I saw them and didn’t become Robert Smith, you know what I mean?”
Serj started laughing in a very insane way. Although I didn’t think it was funny I had to laugh as well. Shavo pointed at me and joined in our laughter.
“Hahaha, you’re so fucking high, you should really take a look at yourself.”
“Shut up”, I grinned.
“No, dude, you really need to see that”, Serj agreed from the right. “You look so stoned... even for Daron... oh, wait, I’ve got an idea, I’ll take a picture of you – haha, that’s hilarious... I just gotta get my camera and ... oh shit!”
When I turned round to him, I saw that he had tried to get up and spilled at least half a bottle of beer over his shirt and pants.
“Eeew”, he said slowly, “that’s gross ... shit ...”
He stood up (which seemed to be kinda hard for him), took off his shirt and dropped his pants. I couldn’t help it but stare at him like a complete retard. Looking at his naked thighs and the striped boxers he wore, I got a warm feeling inside of me and I simply was not able to look away or say something. I don’t know for how long I had gazed at almost naked Serj when suddenly Shavo broke down laughing next to me.
“Hahaha, I can’t believe it! Oh man, this is killing me! Check it out, Serj!”
I didn’t understand what he was talking about at all until I realized that he was pointing at my pants. And when I saw it, I wanted the ground to open and swallow me. I just had the very first erection of my entire life and it was plain to see for everyone around. I blushed and tried to cover it with both hands.
“Man, that’s sick!”, Serj said but he smiled.
“I’m sorry” – that’s what I wanted to say but what came from my mouth sounded like “you’re hot”. Shavo had slid off the sofa and now lay on the carpet, laughing his ass off even more.
“Hahaha, shall I just get off and leave you guys alone?”
Serj looked down to me. I bowed my head because I was much to embarrased to look at him as well but when I saw my erection (how weird it felt!), it didn’t get any better.
“Man”, Shavo laughed, ”you should really take a picture of that and show it to Daron when he’s back. I can’t wait to see his stupid face when he sees ... hahaha ... come on, Serj, be a gentleman and help the young lady with her problem. It would be a wonderful gay porn surprise for Daron, wouldn’t it?! Hahaha.”
Serj came over to him and slightly kicked his ass. “Shut the fuck up!”
I could feel his eyes on me but still did not dare to look at him until he put his hand on my shoulder. It was hard to stand his touch. My erection got so hard that it started hurting. Being a guy really sucked!
“Don’t be ashamed”, he said quietly. “Shavo’s a dumbass. Such things happen to every guy. You wouldn’t believe how often I got a boner in public. Even on stage. I guess I’m always horny, hehe.”
“But you are not right now”, I murmured. There was nothing to see at all.
“Well, actually I am. At least a little.”
When I looked up to him, he smiled broadly. The fact that he was standing there, half naked, only about twenty centimetres between me and his pogo stick, made me shiver. I felt an urge to touch him.
“I’m sorry”, he said like he had just read my mind, “but I’m just not stoned enough to make out with Daron. You understand?”
I nodded.
“Okay... so I guess I’ll better put some clothes on, huh?”, he said quietly. I nodded again and when I heard him walk upstairs, I sighed and lay down because my head was getting heavier and heavier. Shavo’s laughter got more and more quiet and then seemed to be very far away, and before Serj had come down to us again, I had already fallen asleep.
Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:19 pm