Here comes the final part...
(...)
Serj takes the sheet and begins to read the prayer in an unfamiliar tongue.
Shavo: Pff… hahaha…
Daron: Shut the fuck up!
Serj: Holy God of Dicks, we are your unworthy servants, come and talk to us, come and talk to us!
Silence.
Daron: Damnit, this doesn’t work!
John: Shh!
Silence still. Then a deep voice begins to talk.
Big Hopper: Who is calling me?
Serj: Your submissive servant Serj Tankian and three of his friends.
Big Hopper: Ah, Serj. Nice to see you. What can I do for you?
Serj: One of my friends, Daron Malakian, has problems with his dick Schnibbel – he is very desperate because they always argue and don’t get along well… he asked me to help him, and to be honest, you are then only one I could think of to answer his / our questions.
Big Hopper: Mm-hmm… Daron Malakian you said was his name?!
Serj: Yes.
Big Hopper: Mmmh… let me think… ah yes, now I know. Sorry, it’s quite difficult to remember every guy I’ve ever given a dick to, there are so many… but now I remember him. Daron. Daron and Schnibbel. (he sighs)
Serj: May I ask… did anything go wrong with them? I don’t want to criticize your work, not at all, but I’ve never seen a man and his cock argue that much… they even seem to hate each other.
Big Hopper: I have to admit, you are right… something went wrong, yes. I know it might surprise you but sometimes even Gods make mistakes…
Daron: Wait! Do you wanna tell me you made a fucking mistake and that’s why I’m stuck with this bitch of a dick?
Schnibbel: Who’s the bitch here, huh?!
Serj: Guys! Show some respect, you’re talking to a God!
Big Hopper: It’s alright, Serj, he is right…It was a very rough day when you were born, Daron, there were so many guys and so many dicks to distribute… and unfortunately, I happened to mess something up. I gave the wrong dick to you. I’m sorry but how do you say on earth, shit happens…
Daron: Shit happens? That’s all you have to say? You were not able do your work properly and gave me the shittiest dick in the whole fucking world, and all you can say is “shit happens”?! Thank you, motherfucker!
Serj: Daron… shh…
Big Hopper: No, Serj, it’s alright… he has the right to be angry with me.
Daron: Yes I do! Asshole!
Big Hopper: I agree with you and I have to say I’m sorry for what happened.
Daron: I don’t give a fuck if you’re sorry or not. Gimme another dick, man!
Big Hopper: Again I’m sorry but that’s not possible. If you once have a dick, you’ll have to keep it for the rest of your life.
Daron: WHAT?
Schnibbel: WHAT?
Daron: You wanna tell me that I have to stick with this motherfucker till the day I fucking die?! Someone please kill me!
Schnibbel: I’ll kill you, don’t worry. I can’t stand you being around for another forty years or something.
Big Hopper: If you had not interrupted me, I would have told you something which might be interesting for both of you. I can’t change it back once it happened, as I said before, but I can do you a favour in the future… Daron, what would you like to be in your next life?
Daron: Next life? Uhm… I don’t know…
Big Hopper: Think about it carefully.
Daron: Yeah… uhm… ah, I know, I wanna be an elephant.
Schnibbel: An elephant?
Daron: Yeah… they have huge dicks and giant trunks, man, and they are big and strong in general. I like that.
Big Hopper: Alright. You’ll be an elephant in your next life.
Schnibbel: And what about me?
Big Hopper: You will be reborn as a cock but three times as big as you are now.
Schnibbel: Three times? Whoa… that’s cool…
Big Hopper: So you both agree on my suggestion?
Daron: Yeah, sure.
Schnibbel: Yeah. Can’t be any better.
Big Hopper: Alright. It will happen. But there is one condition you both have to fulfil.
Schnibbel: Oh yes, I knew there was something more to come.
Daron: Shut up, I wanna listen.
Big Hopper: There is one thing I want you both to do. You have to stop arguing, for God’s sake! A man and his cock should like each other, love each other, you are one team for the rest of your life, so do yourself a favour and stop all this! Only then you will be rewarded in your next life. I’ll keep watching you and if I see you arguing again and again, you will both be reborn as cooties in a bum’s beard.
Schnibbel: Pfff. Can’t be worse than it is already.
Big Hopper: Yes it can. I have the power to reincarnate you as anything, and believe me, I could make you wish you sticked with Daron in eternity. So you better think about your behaviour carefully.
Silence.
Big Hopper: I assume all your questions have been answered by now?
Serj: As far as I’m concerned… yes. Daron? Schnibbel?
Daron: Uhm.. I guess so…
Schnibbel: Well...yeah…
Big Hopper: And the other guys? And dicks? Are you happy with each other? I know Serj and Pogo are…
Serj: (smiles) Yeah, I definitely am.
Pogo Stick: Me too. Couldn’t have got any better guy than Serj.
Big Hopper: I know, I know… how about you there… John? Hulk?
John: Me? Aw… yeah I’m very happy.. I mean, look at Hulk!
Hulk: Yeah, I like John quite a lot. He’s cool.
Big Hopper: Good, good. And you… Shavo? 2stoned2stand?
Shavo: O-O
Serj: Shavo, come on, say something!
Shavo: Uhm.. well.. yeah.. it’s alright… I guess…
2stoned2stand: Yeah, same here…
Big Hopper: That’s good to know. Well, I guess I’m done here for now.
Serj: Thank you so much for coming here and helping us. I really appreciate what you’ve done for all of us.
Big Hopper: You’re welcome. I’ll talk to you again some time, Serj. And remember, Daron and Schnibbel, it’s all on you. Think about it.
Silence again.
John: Is… is he gone?
Serj: (takes a deep breath) Yes. He is gone.
Shavo: (rubs his eyes) What the fuck… damnit, man, was this real?! Was this a fucking God talking to us? Man, this is the shit! Better than all the weed I’ve ever smoked!
Serj: Don’t talk about him like that, dude… that’s disrespective. We owe the Gods a lot, most of us just don’t know about it.
John: Yeah… so how come you know all this stuff, man? You have connections to Gods or what?
Serj: (blushes) Uhm… I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?! Daron, you’re so quiet… are you alright?
Daron: Yeah… kind of… man, this whole thing was just freaking weird, you know…
Pogo Stick: It’s always weird when you get in contact for the first time. But you get used to it.
Serj: I just hope he was able to help you?!
Daron: I guess so… now I see more clearly… (looks down) Schnibbel… I’m sorry if I pissed you off, man, I don’t want this anymore, okay, let’s forget everything that happened before and just make a new start.
Schnibbel: (sighs) Well… yeah, okay, let’s forget all this shit. Maybe you’re not so bad after all…
Daron: Seriously?
Schnibbel: Yeah. I’m tired of all this anyway. And don’t forget, I wanna be reborn as a huge dick, man.
Daron: Man… I’m so happy, I could kiss you – if I could, I mean…
Schnibbel: Don’t go too far, man.
Serj: (coughs) Alright, I think we should now leave you alone so you could talk this over some more and… (gets up) come on, Shavo, John, let’s go.
Daron: No, man, you can’t leave me like this!
Serj: Why not? What’s up?
Daron: Man, look at me!
Serj looks and shrugs
Daron: I’ve got no hair on my body, man.
Serj: Yeah, but.. that’s not my fault…
Daron: I know but I thought, like, you’ve got those connections and stuff and… maybe you could help me to grow my hair back.
Serj: (rolls his eyes) This is no candy shop, dude. You can’t call the Gods and demand whatever you want.
Daron: Pleeeease!
Serj: (rolls his eyes again) Alright, alright. But this is the last time I’ll do that for you or anyone else, do you get me?
Daron: Sure. Thanks, man.
Serj: Okay, guys, let’s get back into the circle…I’ll call the Goddess of Beauty, she will be able to help.
John: Beauty, hehe, yeah, that’s what Daron needs.
Daron: Shut up!
They sit in the circle again, Serj folds his hands.
John: Uhm, should we, like, put our dicks away or something?
Serj: No. Our dicks just maximize the power. They have much natural power, even more than we ourselves.
He starts to say a prayer in the same unfamiliar tongue like before.
Shavo: Man…
Daron: Shhh! This is important.
Serj: Almighty Goddess of Beauty, your unworthy servants are calling you, please come and talk to us, come and talk to us!
Silence. Then a well-sounding female voice begins to speak.
Beautiful Mistress: Who is calling me… ah, Serj, my friend! I haven’t seen you for a long time, how have you been?
Serj: I’ve been fine, thank you. Please excuse me for bothering you…
Beautiful Mistress: You’re not bothering me in any way, you should know that. Won’t you introduce me to your friends?
Serj introduces John, Shavo and Daron. They all sit and stare and suddenly realize that their cocks have grown hard.
John: What the...?!
Shavo: Whoa!
Daron: Gee... (tries to cover Schnibbel with both his hands)
Beautiful Mistress: No need to be ashamed, Daron, I’m used to this. Every man gets a boner when I’m around. It’s my charisma. It spreads the power of pure beauty.
Daron: Yeah.. seems so... damn, I wanna see you!
Shavo: Yeah, me too! You must be the most beautiful person ... uhm... Goddess... is a Goddess a person?
Beautiful Mistress: Well, I don’t consider myself a person. I’m more a personified power. Which sounds similar but is not the same.
Daron: Whatever. Come on, show yourself, I need to see you!
Beautiful Mistress: No! If you saw me, you would die immidiately. Your small minds are not made for such overwhelming beauty. Serj knows what I am talking about...
Serj: (blushes) Yeah... believe her, guys, she is too beautiful, you wouldn’t stand it...
John: Does that mean you’ve seen her?! And you didn’t die? What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Shavo: Yeah, man, tell us about your secrets!
Pogo Stick: Yeah.. maybe it’s about time to be honest to your friends...
John: Honest about what?
Beautiful Mistress: He never told you?! Aw that’s my Serj, always the modest one. But there is not need to hide the truth, my dear friend. I will tell you guys why he is in such close contact with the world of Gods. He is half human, half a God himself...
Shavo, Daron and John: WHAT?!
Serj: (rolls eyes) Yeah she’s right, my real father was not human but a God. Now you know it. Can we go on, please?!
John: No! Man, I’ve known you for so many years but I never expected you to be a God...
Serj: Half-God.
Beautiful Mistress: Aw come on, guys, it was so plain to see! Have you thought all the ideas and wisdom that came from his mind, all the charisma, all the beauty came from a human being?!
Silence. Everyone stares down at his feet.
Serj: (coughs) Alright, now that this has been revealed... let’s just go on, please, remember what we called her for? We don’t wanna waste a Gods’ time with our stupid talking.
Daron: Oh! Yes! Yes! You’re right!
Beautiful Mistress: So tell me, Serj, what can I do for you?
Serj: One of my friends has a problem with his looks – he is seriously suffering from his outer appearance and...
Beautiful Mistress: No need to go on. I guess I know who you are talking about. Daron, why in all the Gods’ names did you do this to yourself?
Daron: Uhm... let’s say it was a bet...
Schnibbel giggles.
Beautiful Mistress: And now you find yourself ugly and want me to give you your hair back?
Daron: Ooh, yes, please!
Beautiful Mistress: Promise you will never do such terrible things to yourself again. Seriously, it hurts me when people who can at least look quite well turn themselves into ... something like this. This is against everything I want and do.
Daron: I promise, I will never do this again! (crosses his fingers) I swear!
Beautiful Mistress: Alright.. let there be hair!
Darons hair appears again, all over his body right where it had been before. Only the full beard does not grow again.
Daron: Yaay, my hair is back – but wait... where’s my beard, huh?!
Beautiful Mistress: Well, I’m the Goddess of Beauty, you know, so I can under no circumstances grow you a terrible carpet like the one you had.
Daron: But I liked my beard!
Shavo: You were the only one, man. Say goodbye to the caveman look.
John: Yeah, dude... that was just too awful.
Beautiful Mistress: Trust your friends, Daron. They know what is good for you.
Daron: Pff. But well, alright, at least I don’t look like a muslin anymore.
Serj: Thank God – I mean... thank you, my dear friend.
Beautiful Mistress: You’re welcome. Let me know when you need my help again.
Silence.
Serj: She is gone.
Shavo: Hehe, man, I’ve still got a boner.
John: We all have, dumbass.
Shavo: Oh yeah... jerking off competition!!
Daron: Yeeah... I’m gonna win!
Schnibbel: Yeah man, show them how we do it!
2stoned2stand: Pff, we’re gonna beat you anyway.
Serj: Oh no, not again.
Hulk: What... afraid to lose, Mr. Half God?!
John: Yeah.. Serj, is your dick divine, too?
Pogo Stick: Come on, Serj, let’s go for it.
Serj: (rolls eyes again) Alright... here we go...
Suddenly the door opens and Jessica appears in the living room, staring at the four guys who sit on the ground with their erect dicks in their hands with her eyes wide open.
Jessica: Oh my Goodness – what the fuck are you doing there?!
Everyone: (blushes and pulls their pants up quickly) Uhm... nothing... we were just.. we did... uhm.. it’s not what you think...
Jessica: Aw come on, you’re jerking off again, aren’t you? Daron, how many times have I told you NOT to do this on the carpet, that’s just gross and... wait.. carpet... oh my God, Daron, you shaved your beard!!
Daron: Uhm, yeah, sorry about that, I know you liked it but...
Jessica: Liked it? I hated that terrible hairy thing in your cute face! I just said it was okay because you liked it and I didn’t wanna hurt you.
Daron: Are you kidding me?
Jessica: No. Come here, my pretty little man, let me kiss you!
Daron gets up, pulls his pants up and kisses Jessica.
Serj: (coughs) Alright, now I guess we should really leave the two lovers alone. Seems they have a lot to talk about...
Shavo: Talk, hehe, yeah sure.
Serj, John and Shavo get up and sneak out of the living room. Before they leave the house, Daron calls after them.
Daron: Thank you, guys... thanks Serj, you’re a real friend, man.
Serj: Nevermind. And Daron... I just wanted to say that you are a good guy. You know.
Daron: (grins) Thanks again – and now get lost!
The three guys close the door behind them.
Jessica: (touches Darons cheeks) Aw baby, your skin is so soft, I love it! It’s making me quite horny, to be honest...
Daron: Aw! Yes! Me too! I mean... uhm, wait a second, babe.
He turns away and unzips his pants.
Daron: Hey, man.. shh...
Schnibbel: What’s up?
Daron Did you hear what she said?
Schnibbel: Yeah.. I’m not deaf, hehe. What’s up?
Daron: Nothing. I just wanna know... I mean... you’re still against sodomy? Huh?
Schnibbel: (sighs) Man... alright, do it, but hurry before I change my mind again.
Daron: YES! (turns around, takes Jessicas hand and pulls her upstairs with him)
Jessica: Ooh.. Daron.. you’re so passionate...
Daron: Shut up and bend over!
Next morning. The alarm clock rings.
Daron: Eww.. no, not again.. damnit... (switches it off, sits up and yawns, then looks down to Schnibbel) Hey man, right awake again?
Schnibbel: Like every single morning in the past twenty years. Get used to it, dude.
Daron: Yeah... tomorrow. How are you today?
Schnibbel: Quite fine, thanks... I’d still be better if we took a shower after getting up but I won’t complain...
Daron: A shower? That’s fine to me. But first.. what do you say... feeling like jerking off?
Schnibbel: Would be my pleasure.
Daron: (takes Schnibbel and begins to rub it) Alright... let’s get the engine started!!
Mon May 26, 2008 6:45 pm
don't say you don't like Serj,once yot told me he's a wonderful person!Confess it! 
